The Crab

What is it with Asians? They never know where anything is and they insist on cash only as they don't pay tax. Its just an accurate observation and happens to be true like last week I asked at a sushi place and they failed to direct me to the newsagent that was directly opposite them.

I arrived back late the other night and tried to order chinese. CASH ONLY!! Oh for fuck sake.....do you know where theres an AT.........nevermind. So I went next door and I was really out of it. Its a $15 minimum and was handed what I thought was a menu of things that were so. I ordered the crab but they wouldn't let me pay for it until they .....I wasn't listening......anyway. They return to asking me to pay a bill for $150. This is the worlds most expensive crab and it makes no sence the sea is half an hour away at most. For 10 minutes we discussed how on one hand they had killed it and on the other I couldn't afford it. They dropped it to $100 but I insisted still that I CAN'T AFFORD IT!! At most I have right now is $30.......I explained. I'll give you my passport and pay the rest of on Monday. Deal? I know I know you killed it already. I'm sorry but thats not something we do.... they finally understood that I could only afford $30 so they agreed to give me half the crab and then the other half on Monday. She handed me a receipt. DECLINED. She hadn't noticed and I luckily supressed the tell well enough. Well I saved myself $30 so far. Suppose I'll have to leave my passport and still pay $70 next week. So I waited a while.... getting nervous... could see them looking in the till..... I hope thats not the receipt draw I'm too tired for acting. My crab finally came and I couldn't hear a word she was saying.... something about $30. The end of the story is they gave me the whole thing and said don't worry about the other 70 and that the 30 I had paid was all that was needed. So I walked right out having stolen the worlds most expensive crab. Nightmare to try and eat despite the size of the thing it had very little meat and was mostly legs and claws.

Another Ghost In My Bed, Whaaat a Cuaaaant!!

So I moved in to a luxury apartment complex. Private double room with ensuite, air-conditioning, private phone line and internet. The complex has a gym, resturant and 70 foot pool accompanied by a spa..... but i don't like chlorine although I'm happy at times to use the spa cause I like the bubbles. There is a lounge area but I don't watch it really cause me and 2 others have our own lounge/dining area and kitchen, everything is fully furnished. I very almost made the mistake of moving in with the wrong person. I was very much in space cadet mode and the weight of the world had worn away any will I had to do anything, I was ready to sign anything and nearly moved in to a total shit hole, a budget student place where the tiny rooms with bare brick walls resembled cells. In fact if they were built "ensuite" they'd be identical. But my Dad rescued me and sent me on to this place where I inspected as far as I could see 4 identical flats. One had a fish tank with a large tropical fish covered and weighed down with books. Apparently it had tried to nemo it breaking the glass.... I think it was a suicide attempt after life time of hearing an annoying queenslanders accent. I do remember it having a bad vibe but at the time I felt like the fish and supposed they were all the same. "I'll go with the fish guy". Then I met him. WHAT A DICK!! An ugly sun burnt wrinkly red neck smoking in the lounge in a uv vest while fixing an engine. His stuff was everywhere and his greeting to me was. "Ma sheeela kicked me out and naah aaaa'm ere." "We have loud parties and smoke where the faaack we waaaant and wot goes on in this 'ouse staaaaaaaaays in this 'ouse. GOT IT? She tried to change me but aaam an aaaussie and she's a cuaaannt" So I did my very best to move to the nice clean one without getting him kicked out but I asked my Dad for advice to do it with tact and he made some calls before I could say anything and managment told me they were evicting him. I didn't tell the guy so it was quiete amusing to hear this voice echoing through my bathroom window while showering. "The low life caaant it kickin me oooouuuuuut." Oh and then last night I had a very strange experience when I was woken in to a paralised state by another fucking ghost jumped over me in to my bed. Some curly haired boy leaped on to the left side and the force of it nearly threw me out of bed. I tried to say "Who the fuck are you and what are you doing? I know your real this time!!" but as soon as I could unfreeze and use my mouth and turn over no-one was there. Spoookey.